The definition of despair is the complete loss or absence of hope or confidence. As usual, with my posts, there is always a backstory. With a word like despair, one already knows that the backstory can’t be pretty. But actually, it may not be all that terrible. See, this is a word that I struggled to understand However, a long time ago, a very wise person once told me that to get a handle on something, one must first understand what it is. A person can’t fight any demons in the dark or without knowing who or where the demons are. But when something is unpleasant, it is human instinct to shy always from it, minimize its importance, complain but not take action, ignore and hope that whatever it is goes away. Sometimes, this approach is effective. It certainly can be a lot less brutal. However, most times, a person must put on their big person’s panties and adult the situation.
But as I considered what despair meant by the dictionary definition, another word kept popping into my brain. Fear. And I began to ask if these two words are not one and the same. Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or is a threat. Is despair not a threat to a person’s mental health and well-being? Does despair not cause emotional pain? Doesn’t despair threaten one’s happiness? When is a person most likely to despair? By the definition, it is when one no longer has any hope. To have hope means a person has expectations and desires which, of course, it is the opposite of despair. But when taking a closer look at the definition of hope, a deeper insight can be discovered. Here we need to look at another definition: expectation.
An expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. And there lies a huge key. The future. What is the future? It’s the period or the time following the moment of writing or speaking and is regarded as time still to come. Since the future hasn’t happened, one doesn’t know what it holds. Most fear is based on the unknown. A person fears losing his/her job because that person may not know how he/she will pay his/her bills. One may fear storms because they are not sure if they will call harm or injury to people or property. A person may fear death because they do not know what, if anything, comes next. And if nothing comes next, what exactly is that experience? It’s more than just sleep. When a person is asleep, there still can be dreams and other things felt.
So, reverting to the definition of despair, it can be argued that despair is an expectation of the unknown or nothingness that is feared. This would mean, anyone feeling the effects of despair would need to find something—anything really—to fill the void of emptiness. To rid oneself of despair, one must battle and conquer fear by finding something to grasp. A person who has lost his/her job may feel more encouraged by completing job applications or obtaining an interview. A person who is afraid of storms may feel more secure by utilizing a storm shelter during inclement weather or relocating to a physical location that is sturdier. A person who is afraid of death may feel become more comfortable with it through religious study or support groups. These are not the only ways to tackle these issues but some possible solutions. As with anything, there usually exists more than one way to address an issue. The point is to find and isolate the root of the problem and begin working to repair it from there.
Before the invention of antibiotics, people chopped off limbs to prevent infection. Even with modern medication, amputation is sometimes necessary. However, it’s not as necessary as it was three hundred years ago. Knowledge is the antibiotic of despair. Having knowledge can restore hope. If a person knows they can apply for a job, they can hope to get it. If a person knows a storm is coming, the person can take safety precautions. If a person fears death, he/she can have a will or insurance policies to be confident that his/her loved ones will be provided for once he/she is gone.
Most experts agree that despair usually causes a person to feel desperate. Desperation is a state of despair. A person who is desperate often engages in extreme or rash behavior. Extreme and rash behavior usually occurs without much thought or judgment. One frequently makes rash a decision because he/she fails to see alternative options or solutions. A desperate individual may feel there is only a singular choice and feel a lack of control. Having as much knowledge about a situation allows us to maximize options and gain more control over a situation. Knowledge lessens the unknowns. Thus, it makes the most sense when feeling despair for a person to learn as much as possible about the problem. This begins with identification.
Sometimes, when there is an issue, the person it affects may not realize that there is a problem. Or he/she may realize that a situation exists, but not know what the problem is. For example, if a car doesn’t crank, the driver may not know why the car isn’t cranking but knows there’s a problem. The driver is unable to get the car to crank without identifying the issue. This may involve troubleshooting, research, the process of elimination/trial and error, deductive reasoning, and/or asking for advice from others. But the process doesn’t stop there. Discovering one problem may reveal another. For example, if the problem with the car not cranking is a bad battery, the solution would be to replace the battery. The answer is known, but it doesn’t exactly solve the problem. The driver may not have the finances to purchase a new battery or may not have transportation to get to a place that sells batteries. Or the auto repair shop may not have the battery in stock. These all could be barriers, and the driver may need to find a solution to each of the barriers before being able to resolve the problem.
That is how despair works. It is not only a problem but multiple barriers to that problem. These barriers may be so massive that they obscure the real problem completely. Going back to the car not cranking example, maybe the car starting isn’t the root issue but a barrier. What if the driver has a very important meeting that if he/she misses will cause her to be fired from his/her job? The car not cranking and not being able to obtain a new battery are all barriers. The issue that needs resolving is being able to get to work. So, instead of spending time trying to obtain a battery, maybe the person should look for alternative transportation to work such as asking a friend, taking a bus, or calling an Uber. If the person focuses all his/her energy on getting the car cranked, he/she may miss the opportunity to solve his/her dilemma of being fired. Despair clouds decision-making which may lead to making rash decisions. Taking a step back to access and identify the issues is the first step in tackling despair.
But everything is always easier said than done, right? No one ever said the process was easy. Once despair takes hold, it sinks in the claws as deeply as possible. One way to combat this is to get into a habit of daily positive self-talk. Look in the mirror and tell yourself how strong you are and that you can handle any situation that life throws at you. Remind yourself that nothing is impossible and that there are always solutions. Remember that sometimes failing is another way to find success.
Okay, that last part probably sounded strange, but consider this. Suppose the person doesn’t get his/her car to start, doesn’t make it to work, and gets fired. If the person worked in a toxic environment, perhaps being sacked wouldn’t be a bad thing. Yes, it may negatively impact his/her bank account, but it may positively affect his/her mental health. Or maybe the job environment was okay, but there was no future in it. Perhaps being terminated was the push the person needed to move on to bigger and better career options. However, a person who is in a state of despair may not see any benefits of being fired. All that person’s focus is on the financial part.
Well, maybe being fired comes with severance pay or the person is able to collect unemployment. This may be enough to allow the person to support himself/herself until he/she secures employment. The person may also be able to work out a payment plan with lenders or credit card companies to reduce payments due to financial hardships. Many companies will work with customers on payment arrangements. Maybe during the time off, the person finally gets around to cleaning out the garage or the attic and perhaps could sell the unused/forgotten items in a yard sale or on e-Bay for extra cash. Again, options.
Despair strives on isolation. Most people experiencing despair feel alone. One way to deal with it is to talk to others and find people who understand what you are experiencing. Don’t hide it as shame. Bring it to the light to be exposed. Like a wound, covering it may trap harmful bacteria instead of allowing air to heal it. Back to the car example. If the person informed his/her friend that his/her car won’t start and he/she doesn’t have the money to replace it or pay for an Uber, that friend may offer to buy a new battery or pay for the Uber. (Or even give a ride to work.) But having too much pride to ask for help can be destructive. On the other hand, rash decisions may strip a person of his/her pride.
Asking for help is not a cause for shame. However, asking the wrong person for help may be detrimental. In the car example, suppose the driver concludes that the only person who will lend him/her the money for a new battery is a condescending, wealthy relative and at a cost of much belittling and berating. Sometimes, going to these types of people is necessary. And sometimes, they do have valid criticism of our behaviors and/actions. Maybe they did warn to have the battery replaced six months ago when you had plenty of money to spare. No one is perfect. But understand that time does heal pride. Yet, chances are there are probably other solutions before having to go to a person like this, which leads to the next point.
Despair can be exhausting. When a problem occurs, it may take a lot of footwork to reach a resolution. Many things may have to be tried and failed before the right one or one that works is found. Every step forward may feel like a huge drag back. The challenge is to continue moving forward regardless of how tiresome and difficult it is. The way despair operates is by paralyzing the spirit and motivation. It prevents one from taking action. Instead of the person feeling as if he/she is living life, he/she feels that life is happening to them—again, the feeling of a lack of control. When one does not feel in control of his/her life, this evokes fear. Thus, fear is at the root of despair.
Finally, when encountering despair, look beyond oneself. Sometimes what is happening doesn’t just affect one person. It affects others. For example, when a spouse dies, the other spouse grieves. But frequently, it is not only the spouse who grieves. A mother who carried that child for nine months may grieve severely. A twin who has shared a bond likely since conception may grieve. A best friend who considered that person’s family may grieve. A child who loses his parent and mentor may grieve. Who is the authority to judge whose grief is the greatest? Yet, a grieving person may not acknowledge that others are grieving, too. Instead, that person makes it all about his/her grief, which, in a way, attempts to diminish what others are feeling. Depression is inward anger that blinds a person from seeing the world clearly. This is why depression is sometimes the gateway to despair.
Recently, I heard someone use the term toxic positivity. I don’t know if that’s a genuine clinical term being used, and if so, who to give credit. After it was explained to me what it meant, I did get the gist of it. However, when exploring it further with my own research (and I do suggest every person conduct his/her own research to come up with the best solution for them), some issues were revealed. Despair in no way is positive, thus, hearing positive statements may be difficult to hear from others. Yet, what are these people supposed to say? “Yeah, things are never going to get better. Continue to wallow in your grief for the rest of your days.” In my opinion, that wouldn’t be helpful. Someone saying, “Things happen for a reason,” may not seem helpful at the moment. However, it may be the reminder that a person experiencing despair may need to approach the situation from a different angle. It may prompt a person to ask, “Why did this situation happen?” Notice the question is “why did this situation happen” and not “why did this happen to me.”
The first question is one that can be explored. There may be an identifiable explanation that can lead to finding a solution or an answer to prevent the situation from occurring again. The second question makes it about outside forces causing something to happen to one person. Instead of seeking a global or objective answer, one would tend to be subjective in explanation (e.g., “This happened because I have rotten luck.” or “I’m a terrible person.”). A statement such as, “It may not seem like it now, but you’ll get through this by taking it one day at a time.” by some would be considered toxicity positivity. But is the statement not true? Isn’t despair something that will need to be worked through? Isn’t despair something that doesn’t go away immediately but will take time? Doesn’t despair cause one to think all is bleak without hope so that getting through it does seem impossible?
This is a dilemma if I’ve ever heard one. If a person wanting to help someone in despair isn’t supposed to reinforce their negativity but also is not allowed to say words that are construed as toxic positivity, does the person say nothing? By saying nothing, does that not come across as uncaring or being insensitive? I suppose a person trying to help can just say, “I’m here for you if you need me.” But I’ll end with this thought. How many people live with I wish he/she had just come to me or said something before ending his/her life? Yeah, because no action is an action. Offering to be there for a person in despair and waiting for them to come to you may not be enough.
That’s this for this post. Do you agree or disagree? What is your take on the subject? Did you find these tips helpful or informative? Let me know your thoughts and opinions in the comment section. Also, let me know if you would like me to cover more of these types of topics or dive deeper into this one. If you like this post, please click the like button and share it. If you’re not following me on Creole Bayou blog, what are you waiting for? There’s always room at the bayou.
When the scandal of a double homicide threatens to destroy his career, this billionaire hockey player hires an ambitious sports agent to improve his public image. It’s time to let the puckery begin.
Timothée Croneau is that jock—the bad boy superstar with the naughty reputation. He’s handsome, arrogant, and a billionaire. He’s also the number one person of interest in a double homicide and recently was traded to a losing team that is showing him no love. And wouldn’t it be just his luck that his career splashed in the toilet six months after his long-time agent kicked the bucket? Now, he’s stuck with Ryker Kitsch. An agent is supposed to fix his life, though, not break his heart.
Speaking of breaks, ex-athlete Ryker Kitsch wants his in the sports agency realm. He sees his chance to make a name for himself by helping rebrand his agency’s newly acquired hockey star, Timothée Croneau. The guy needs every lick of positive PR he can get. So, why is the devilishly gorgeous forward fighting him at every step and leaving Ryker to wonder if he’s been hired for a babysitting gig?
The mess Timothée is stirring was never in any contract Ryker was hired to handle. One thing’s for sure. Whether it’s a forecheck or backcheck, collision is inevitable.
Order your copy at:
Amazon: https://amzn.to/3ex0N9p
Other booksellers: https://books2read.com/penaltykill
Missed the three in my hockey romance series? No frets.
Out of the Penalty Box (book #1), where it is one minute in the box or a lifetime out, is available at http://amzn.to/2Bhnngw. It also can be ordered on iTunes, Nook, or Kobo. For more links on where to purchase or to read the blurb, please visit http://bit.ly/2i9SqpH.
Defending the Net (book #2) can be ordered at https://amzn.to/2N7fj8q or www.books2read.com/defending. Crossing the line could cost the game.
Ice Gladiators (book #3) is the third book in my Locker Room Love series. When the gloves come off, the games begin. Available at https://amzn.to/2TGFsyD or www.books2read.com/icegladiators.
For more of my stories, shenanigans, giveaways, and more, check out my blog, Creole Bayou, www.genevivechambleeconnect.wordpress.com. New posts are made on Wednesdays, and everything is raw and unscathed. Climb on in a pirogue and join me on the bayou.
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Until next time, happy reading and much romance. Laissez le bon temps rouler.
Resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text “MHFA” to 741741
Lifeline Crisis Chat: www.crisischat.org
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 678678
Author Bio
Genevive Chamblee resides in the bayou country where sweet tea and SEC football reign supreme. She is known for being witty (or so she thinks), getting mushy watching pet adoption commercials, and preparing home-cooked Creole meals that are as spicy as her writing. Genevive specializes in spinning steamy, romantic tales with humorous flair, diverse characters, and quirky views of love and human behavior. She also is not afraid to delve into darker romances as well. Genevive believes in variety, equality, and representation of all and is willing to tackle difficult subjects that may be shunned in many romance novels.
Creole Bayou 